Near Miss: Murder Suicide

My life is a long intertwined story, most of which will be written about at a later time. You will need to read my blog more to have a full understanding of what led to this posting.

Back in 2010 if you asked me I would have described my life and marriage as a huge black hole.  I was just recently diagnosed with depression, my husband was suffering from severe combat related PTSD and depression (he had recently been hospitalized for attempted suicide), I had a 1 year old and a 3 month old with no family around and no friends.  I was in a very dark place.

My husband and I fled to Canada from the United States to save his life back in 2008. He had been suicidal and the military knew this but was preparing to redeploy him to Iraq.  I knew that his life was at stake.  We made it to Canada with pretty much nothing and no clear plan.  We filed as refugee claimants but were denied by a government who refused to look at the merits of our individual case in order to protect their public relations with the U.S. We appealed our decision and have since been playing a waiting game while our lives have been at stake.

When things seemed at their worst, 2010, I had made a plan, which I will get to later. See, I knew then and still believe that if my husband is deported from Canada, it will mean the end of his life. At the time I also believed that I wouldn't or couldn't live without him.  I felt like he was all I had.  I couldn't imagine going back to the States alone with my children. I have family there but thought being with them would be worse than death.  They haven't been very supportive or sympathetic with my decision to 1. marry my husband and 2. support a 'deserter' by coming to Canada with him. I believed that they would have been horrible to me by saying things meant to be 'supportive' if I returned without my husband.  I just couldn't bear the thought of it.

I had also heard the story of a local family who was fighting to have a barrier put up near one of the bridges in our town. Their son died after he ended up accidentally driving his car into the canal. I thought this was a complete injustice. That area was dangerous and it was awful that there was any question about putting the barrier up.

Back to the plan.  My plan was that if we got a deportation order I would take our children and buckle them into their car seats, my husband and I would get in and buckle up too. I would then drive the car into the canal at the exact bridge that the family was trying to have a barrier installed.

Though I had  decided to kill myself and murder my family I still cared about others and wanted to make sure that family got the barrier they wanted.  It actually took me years to realize that I was considering murdering my family. I hadn't thought of it with that word associated to it.  I grew up without a Mom. She died when I was young. I had decided that I wouldn't want to put my kids through that because it sucked and hurt and still hurts to this day, more than 20 years after her death.  I also didn't trust anyone I knew to raise my kids especially considering the way my family had treated me and my husband.  So my logical conclusion was that we would all die together and then none of us would have to suffer ever again.

I don't know how serious this was. I had contemplated/ planned ways of killing myself lots of times even before I had kids. I never attempted it.  I don't know if I actually would have gone through with this or not had the situation presented itself.  I do know that I was serious enough about it that it wasn't an abstract idea of suicide but a somewhat thought out plan. I now realize there were some flaws to the plan and it might not have actually worked the way I thought but my mind wasn't clear at the time.

During all this turmoil and pain, the War Resister Support Campaign and our family reconnected.  Through the campaign I was able to connect with people who could help both me and my husband heal.  I believe 100% that these people saved our lives.  I also have gotten on proper medication and so has my husband. It makes a big difference. The biggest difference that has been made was through counseling though. My husband and I can communicate pretty well with one another now and we have a better understanding of what each other are going through. Having that understanding is imperative to our marriage surviving. We have even had another child. I want to give you hope though because I am doing so much better now! A marriage can survive PTSD and depression. You can do it!

  Without the WRSC we wouldn't be where we are today. They have helped us in tremendous ways. We could never repay them even a fraction for what they have done and there are no words that can express our gratitude.

I am not condoning anything that others have done as far as murder and suicide goes. I am not saying  that it was right of me to consider it either. I just do want to say I now understand how people can get to that point, I really do.

I never told anyone of my plans, not even my husband.  If you have people in your life who are struggling please take the time to listen to them and show an interest in what they are going through. It is a rare person who will reach out for help. We all need to look out for one another.  If you are going through something feel free to contact me. I will listen. 

PTSD & Me

Why do I have a blog called 'support 4 the troops and other thoughts'?  
Well, you see back nearly 10 years ago I married a man that I love with my whole heart.  That man just so happened to be a Marine in the United States Marine Corp.  I grew up in the U.S. and was well indoctrinated in patriotism of the highest order, you know the kind where you don't question anything?  I was proud of my husband and his status in the military.  After only a few days together, my husband was deployed to Iraq for 7 long months. We missed our first Christmas and our first Valentines. Little did I know that that wouldn't be all that was lost. 

While he was still deployed things became strained between us. He began to be abusive to me emotionally and with words. We were able to communicate quite a bit with email.  At the time I was hurt and shocked but believed that I was the problem. He had never treated me like that before so I figured I must have done something wrong.  It turns out that it was the beginning symptoms of his PTSD.

It would be months before he returned from Iraq and even more months passed before he was diagnosed with PTSD due to negligence by the Marine Corps. (story for another time)  By the time my husband was diagnosed I was severely depressed, not just as an effect from the abuse but from lots of other things too. Our marriage has suffered for years, neither of us being the people who married one another that warm July day.

Eventually my eyes were opened to the realities that troops in general face, both in and out of combat.  If it weren't for my husband and all the things he has been through I would not have this blog.  I wouldn't care about the troops any more than the usual lip service paid by every normal patriotic citizen of the United States of America.  Over all it is hidden from the general population, the injustices that our troops face, ironically the same troops who supposedly fight for our justice and freedom.

Over the years my husband and I have been through a lot.  Both of us have learned a great deal of how to cope with PTSD. According to our psychologist, when one person has PTSD the whole family has it. It is true because it impacts us all.  I hope you will stay tuned for more regular updates.
Thanks!

Apologies to any of my readers out there. I had lots of stuff go on in my life during the last 6 years and I completely forgot I even created this blog. I plan to write more often. Thanks for your support!

Support the Troops

    Exactly what the heck does that mean, support the troops? As far as I've seen it means that people are all for spending up to five bucks to put a ribbon on their car or house while young men and women are shipped of to die. People seem to want to support the troops when they are going of to die fighting for one cause or another but suddenly that support vanishes for all who make it back alive.                                       
        In Canada, we celebrate Remembrance Day. Its a day to honor the memory of those who perished while seemingly defending their loved ones. I think that is great, honoring those who were willing to give up their lives for us. Is just remembering them a sufficient way to honor them? I don't think so. I think that the very best way to honor them, in addition to remembering them, would be to treat those who made it home the way you would have wanted those who passed treated.

      The first step is realizing that American and Canadian troops alike are all brothers/sisters in arms. As allies they often fight side by side in conflict. Your service member who passed away may have passed away protecting mine. Don't you think that they would still want the surviving service member to be protected when they returned home?

        Many, many Canadian and American troops are coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan suffering from debilitating disorders such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). The very people that deceased service members died trying to protect are now coming home with sever conditions that often times go untreated.

        In the situation with my husband and countless others, although he was diagnosed with sever PTSD, they were about to redeploy him into the war zone. What he needed and needs is treatment, not disregard for his life and the sacrifice he was willing to make. By putting injured people back into war zones the military is doing at least 3 potentially devastating things:

          1. They are showing how little value they place on the lives of the troops and how little they    care for them on any sort of personal level, the suicide rate for service members is quite high

          2. They are dishonoring the lives of those who died protecting their country and fellow service members by not properly caring for those who have survived, which often results in service members thinking 'What am I fighting for? No one cares if I live or die so why should I?'. 3. They are creating potentially dangerous and deadly situations on the war front by giving injured people guns, a suffering person often does not think clearly, this endangers not only civilians but also the other service members as well.

         The way the military seems to treat its troops really upsets me. It not only impacts the troops but also all the loved ones waiting at home. It results in the loss of unnecessary lives through careless actions of service member who question what the point of living is and through countless suicides. For those waiting at home it is so difficult to watch your service member suffer every day, wondering if they will have the resolve to make it through another day.

        So next Remembrance and Veterans Days lets not just make it a day to remember those who made the ultimate sacrifice. Lets us stand up for the rights of those who came home. Let us demand proper treatment for our troops. Let us show the world what it really means to support the troops, not onto death alone but also onto life. Those who died were willing to fight for those who have come home, that they may live, now let us fight for those who have come home that they may continue to live. The two most important things they need are for:

1. NO INJURED TROOP TO BE REDEPLOYED UNLESS FULLY RECOVERED
2. COMPREHENSIVE MEDICAL TREATMENT UNTIL FULLY RECOVERED