Near Miss: Murder Suicide

My life is a long intertwined story, most of which will be written about at a later time. You will need to read my blog more to have a full understanding of what led to this posting.

Back in 2010 if you asked me I would have described my life and marriage as a huge black hole.  I was just recently diagnosed with depression, my husband was suffering from severe combat related PTSD and depression (he had recently been hospitalized for attempted suicide), I had a 1 year old and a 3 month old with no family around and no friends.  I was in a very dark place.

My husband and I fled to Canada from the United States to save his life back in 2008. He had been suicidal and the military knew this but was preparing to redeploy him to Iraq.  I knew that his life was at stake.  We made it to Canada with pretty much nothing and no clear plan.  We filed as refugee claimants but were denied by a government who refused to look at the merits of our individual case in order to protect their public relations with the U.S. We appealed our decision and have since been playing a waiting game while our lives have been at stake.

When things seemed at their worst, 2010, I had made a plan, which I will get to later. See, I knew then and still believe that if my husband is deported from Canada, it will mean the end of his life. At the time I also believed that I wouldn't or couldn't live without him.  I felt like he was all I had.  I couldn't imagine going back to the States alone with my children. I have family there but thought being with them would be worse than death.  They haven't been very supportive or sympathetic with my decision to 1. marry my husband and 2. support a 'deserter' by coming to Canada with him. I believed that they would have been horrible to me by saying things meant to be 'supportive' if I returned without my husband.  I just couldn't bear the thought of it.

I had also heard the story of a local family who was fighting to have a barrier put up near one of the bridges in our town. Their son died after he ended up accidentally driving his car into the canal. I thought this was a complete injustice. That area was dangerous and it was awful that there was any question about putting the barrier up.

Back to the plan.  My plan was that if we got a deportation order I would take our children and buckle them into their car seats, my husband and I would get in and buckle up too. I would then drive the car into the canal at the exact bridge that the family was trying to have a barrier installed.

Though I had  decided to kill myself and murder my family I still cared about others and wanted to make sure that family got the barrier they wanted.  It actually took me years to realize that I was considering murdering my family. I hadn't thought of it with that word associated to it.  I grew up without a Mom. She died when I was young. I had decided that I wouldn't want to put my kids through that because it sucked and hurt and still hurts to this day, more than 20 years after her death.  I also didn't trust anyone I knew to raise my kids especially considering the way my family had treated me and my husband.  So my logical conclusion was that we would all die together and then none of us would have to suffer ever again.

I don't know how serious this was. I had contemplated/ planned ways of killing myself lots of times even before I had kids. I never attempted it.  I don't know if I actually would have gone through with this or not had the situation presented itself.  I do know that I was serious enough about it that it wasn't an abstract idea of suicide but a somewhat thought out plan. I now realize there were some flaws to the plan and it might not have actually worked the way I thought but my mind wasn't clear at the time.

During all this turmoil and pain, the War Resister Support Campaign and our family reconnected.  Through the campaign I was able to connect with people who could help both me and my husband heal.  I believe 100% that these people saved our lives.  I also have gotten on proper medication and so has my husband. It makes a big difference. The biggest difference that has been made was through counseling though. My husband and I can communicate pretty well with one another now and we have a better understanding of what each other are going through. Having that understanding is imperative to our marriage surviving. We have even had another child. I want to give you hope though because I am doing so much better now! A marriage can survive PTSD and depression. You can do it!

  Without the WRSC we wouldn't be where we are today. They have helped us in tremendous ways. We could never repay them even a fraction for what they have done and there are no words that can express our gratitude.

I am not condoning anything that others have done as far as murder and suicide goes. I am not saying  that it was right of me to consider it either. I just do want to say I now understand how people can get to that point, I really do.

I never told anyone of my plans, not even my husband.  If you have people in your life who are struggling please take the time to listen to them and show an interest in what they are going through. It is a rare person who will reach out for help. We all need to look out for one another.  If you are going through something feel free to contact me. I will listen.